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Many people who find it easy to be loving and generous to family members and friends often struggle with the notion of being kind to themselves.

The concept of self-compassion is rooted in centuries of Buddhist tradition, but it’s undergoing a renaissance of sorts. The Miley Cyrus single “Flowers” is a self-love anthem that’s topping the charts. The artist Snoop Dogg released a hit song for kids called “Affirmations.” The TikTok star Avery Anna just previewed a “self-love song” with the caption “treat yourself nice,” garnering more than 1 million views. And this week, even as many people were thinking of Valentine’s Day love for others, the phrase “self love” was a popular search trend on Google.

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Kristin Neff, an educational psychologist at the University of Texas at Austin, has been espousing the benefits of self-compassion for more than a decade. Research from Neff and other scientists has shown that people who practice self-compassion have less stress and depression and more self confidence. There are even physical benefits to being kind to yourself, including stronger immune function and lower risk for heart disease.

The concept behind self-compassion is simple: Treat yourself with as much love and kindness as you treat your friends.

For many people, this is easier said than done. Imagine how you would react to a friend who confided to you that they are struggling at work, binge eating or drinking too much. You would probably offer support or reassurance, or suggest professional help. But often when you face your own struggle, the inner critic kicks in, triggering a cycle of self-criticism and negativity.

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Neff has found that many people resist self-compassion because they worry it could lead to self-pity, selfishness or weakness. But research shows that the opposite is true. People who practice self-compassion are less likely to ruminate or feel sorry for themselves. And they are more likely to compromise during conflicts and are more forgiving. Studies show self-compassionate people are more resilient and better able to cope with difficult situations such as a divorce as well as chronic pain or trauma.

So how does one start practicing self-compassion? Some simple advice is to silence your inner critic by talking to yourself in the same supportive tone with which you would talk to a friend. Recognizing that everyone is flawed and that everyone fails is another step.

“An easy tip for how to be self compassionate is simply to consider what would be most motivating for a good friend if you wanted to help them achieve a goal?” Neff said in an email. “What types of things would you say to let them know that you believed in them, and that you were there to support them? Then say something similar to yourself.”

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But the real secret to practicing self-compassion is to ask yourself this five-word question during moments of stress, anxiety, embarrassment or disappointment: “What do I need now?”

“By simply asking the question, you allow yourself a moment of self-compassion,” Neff and Christopher Germer write in “The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook.”

Try it. The next time you find yourself anxious or stressed — or notice that you are berating yourself — stop and ask yourself, “What do I need now?” The question silences your inner critic and helps you be kind to yourself and focus on your needs in the moment.

If you would like to do a deep dive in self-compassion, “The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook” explains the research and offers simple exercises to help you learn how to be nicer to yourself.

Please let us know how we are doing. Email me at wellbeing@washpost.com.

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